the love song of johnny valentine. teddy wayne (98)

i can't remember where i first read about "the love song of johnny valentine" but the cover definitely caught my eye. you know me and shiny things. also the title reminded me of one of my favorite killers' song "the ballad of michael valentine". however, i quickly lost interest when they referenced justin beiber.

but when i saw it on emma robert's instagram, i decided to give it a chance. and though emma was spot on for "where'd you go bernedette?. she was way off based on this one. but maybe her celeb-status, resulted in it being a good laugh for her.

the novel is the tale of 11 year-old, johnny valentine who is a pop sensation was discovered via youtube and has great hair plus a fake romance with a famous latina tween actress (see: justin beiber). his mother is his manager, she loves to party, screws guys in the tour crew and i guess has a coke habit (see: lindsay lohan's mom). johnny's dad went AWOL when he was a kid, but what might be him pops up on random message boards (see: deadbeat dads that want in on the action.)

the book is the supposed to be a coming of age story. johnny's maturity comes via his search for his father. however, just like johnny lacked any depth, so did this novel. as a 30-year-old woman, i really shouldn't identify with 11-year-old boys, but this character was too shallow, naive and just plain stupid for anyone to sympathize for, let alone identify with.

i really have no idea how i finished it. i was intrigued about his father's message board posts because i was sure it was a child molester posting. but that story line wasn't enough to make this book interesting. johnny's life was so sad and boring, the most exciting parts of his days included passing levels on a video game and masturbating. maybe that was the point? to prove how depressing celeb's lives really are? but who wants to read about insanely rich first world problems? also it didn't provide any provocative insight on the music industry. thanks to behind the music, reality tv shows and entertainment magazines/tabloids, we know how the music industry is just screwing everyone over. they have also shown us how shitty celebrities are.

i guess i also kept on reading because the cover touted the author as the winner of some award. and the writing wasn't bad, it was just that context wasn't good. i mean he did have some random interesting insight and the hipster in me loved the latchkeys. but other than that the book was lame and i'm not sure how i finished. i'm actually getting annoyed that i wasted time reading it. it was so bad, i am going to stop here because i don't want to waste anymore time on this book.