barbara the slut and other people. lauren holmes. (321)

i decided to read barbara the slut and other people, after seeing it all over instagram. also, i loved that the cover had slut in hot pink sprayed painted across it.  it looked a feminist manifesto!  and since i judge books by a cover, i had high expectations, and sadly this collection of short stories did not meet them.

i hate to be mean because holmes is a published writer and i am just some no name reader, but these stories didn't move me like the blurbs on the books claimed would happen.  i felt as if i was part of some writers workshop (see:  hbo girls season four). in fact, it was as if holmes was hannah, basically just writing her life.  don't get me wrong, i mean i get that all authors use their life as a basis for the life, but at least there seems to be some value other than just the story.  

barbara the slut read like that one co-worker's random life stories, it was interesting to her, but you are wondering as you listen to the recounting, so what is the point of this story?!??  and i know this sounds harsh, but i just felt the stories lacked any real depth.  it really felt like she just took incidents from her life and turned them into stories, which is fine, but just wasn't for me.  i mean i have always thought of doing just that but always figured the stories that no one else would find them interesting. 

i should also say that not all the stories are horrible, i did enjoy two of them.  the title story "barbara the slut" should be required reading for high school girls, though maybe edit out barbara's logic about sleeping with a guy only once to have to not deal with trust issues.  i should add that was a huge issue i had with the story, barbara was intelligent and a compassionate kid (she was helpful with her autistic brother), yet her logic about sex was horrible.  anyway, i did appreciate its lesson on slut shaming, mean girls need to read this and realize they need to stop hating on other girls.  and why can't they get that boys lie?!?! anyway, i felt bad for barbara, but luckily she was heading to college, so wouldn't have to deal with any of the pettiness of high school, though i hope she learned that sex with trust is a real thing.

another story, i was surprised that i really enjoyed was "my humans".  i was surprised, because i do not like dogs, but i loved reading a story from the perspective of a dog.  i thought that was very clever.  way to go, holmes.  i also loved that the dog discovered the cheating first, when jenna came home smelling different.  i have to add once a cheater, always a cheater.

a couple of other thoughts, that kid in "jerks" was a real jerk.  i also hate parents that are in denial about their kids being horrible.  though the mother in that story was a jerk, so its only logical that she was raising one.  i can add another horrible parent was the mom in  "i will crawl to raleigh if i have to", trying to blame her child's stealing on another kid.  really?  i have to add most of these stories had bad mothers, wonder what holmes is trying to say there?

last but not least, i know i should have been all about "desert hearts", a lawyer that gives up the corporate world to work in a sex shop posing as lesbian.  i mean i guess it could have been cool, but really i think the world has revolved enough that straight people can work in LGBT sex shops without it being an issue.  i mean, this would have been a cool story if it was like the early 90s.

i hate to be a hater, but though enjoyable this book wasn't as exciting as it's front cover claimed it would be.

heartburn. nora ephron. (217)

i requested heartburn because i was under the impression that when harry met sally was originally a book.  the library didn't have it, so i requested heartburn instead.  i later discovered that when harry met sally is simply a screenplay, thanks alot goodreads for getting a girl's hopes up!

anyway, i felt it was about time that i finally read some nora ephron.  i, unfortunately, was not aware of her until she passed away.  i mean i loved the films she wrote and directed, sleepless in seattle, michael, you've got mail, i just didn't know she wrote them.  i also discovered that the female celebrities i adore, adored her, mindy kaling and lena dunham for example.  when she passed away, i remember looking her books up at the library but didn't commit to anything because i wasn't sure where to start.  well two years, later, i finally sorted it out, i started with her first and only novel.

heartburn, was the story of rachel samstat, a cookbook writer and tv personality, which in my head closely resembled rachel ray (including the critiques of not being a real cook).  we meet her at a very low point in her life.  she just discovered that her husband mark, a syndicated columnist, was cheating on her.  rachel was pregnant with their second child and discovered the affair via an inscription her husband's lover, thelma, left in a baby book!  how disgusting right!?!?! the message was horrible and mentioned mark and thelma as a couple singing to rachel and mark's children!!!! seriously some people are disgusting, i would have gone apeshit, if i read that.

the novel then covers rachel struggle with what to do.  does she take mark back and work through it?  or does she leave him.  it sounds heavy, which it is, but the story is actually funny.  as ephron writes via rachel, 

of course i'm writing this later, much much later, and it worries me that i've done what i usually do--hidden the anger, covered the pain, pretended it want there for the sale of the story.

she goes in to explain:

because if i tell the story, i control the version.

because if i tell the storyif i can make you laugh, and i would rather have you laugh at me than feel sorry for me.

because if i tell the story, it doesn't hurt as much.

because if i tell the story, i can get on with it.

this then confirmed my suspensions that heartburn was one of those memoir-ish novel (the second trend of this year of reading).  and sure enough, wikipedia informed me that heartburn was based on ephron's second marriage to carl bernstein.  the cheating bastard!

how horrible that ephron really went through all of this but kudos to her for turning her misfortune into a funny little novel and a movie!!

and can i just add, what a bunch of sluts in washigton d.c. though i am not surprised.  i don't trust politicians.

in the end, rachel made the right choice and leaves mark but not without throwing a pie in his face.  she took her two sons, the second child nathaniel was premature after she fell spying on mark and his lover, to new york to embark on next chapter of life.

this was an enjoyable little read and was even filled with recipes!  i want to try the cheesecake, linguine alla cecca, and potatoes anna.  so look for that happening too!

of course their are hilarous bits, rachel's jewish prince routine, her therapy group being robbed and of course, her starting the thelma has an STD rumor.  

and i loved that rachel's obstetrician helped her realized that she did believe in love.  as her thoughts to herself share:

sometimes i believe that love dies but hope springs eternal.  sometimes i believe that hope died but love springs eternal.  sometimes i believe that send plus guilt equals love, and sometimes i believe that sex plus guilt equals good sex.  sometimes i believe that love is as natural as the tides and sometimes i believe that love is an act of will.  sometimes i beige that some people are better at love than others, and sometimes i believe that everyone is faking it.  sometimes i believe that love is essential, and sometimes i believe that the only reason love is essential is that otherwise you spend all your time looking for it.

this is why ephron's romcoms are the best.  a sweet little book, short and worth a read.  i look forward to reading more of her works and course watching everything she made as well.

this is how you lose her. junot diaz (86)

i wanted "this is how you lose her" to be my last book of 2012 but it ended up being my first book of 2013.

this has been on my radar since september, i loved "the brief and wondrous life of oscar wao" and so debated buying this book or checking it out. i went with the later.

"this is how you lose her" is a collection of stores in that demonstrate how you can lose a girlfriend, wife, fiancée, lover, by simply following the example of narrator, yunior. the last story is actually titled "the cheater's guide to love" in which he gives instructions on how to royally fuck up your life after cheating on your fiancee. there is also some random story from the perspective of a woman, yasmin, who worked in a hospital laundry room and the lover of a married man. i'm not sure why it was included other than the fact that she and yunior are both dominican. (maybe its to show the perspective of the "other" woman.)

the stories are tales of yunior's lovers and how their romances left him with a brokenheart. and before you pity him please note that his love life always went to shit because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants! the pendejo was always cheating! (if my language was too vulgar for your right now you might want to skip to book.) his lovers blamed his infidelity on his heritage. dominicanos are cheaters, his cheating was genetic; his father, his brother and he were all sucios (i googled and according to various sites it means a man who treats women poorly, a dirty man, sinful). though genetic may be the wrong word, it's more cultural, i mean stereotypes have some starting point. i don't know any dominicanos, so can not deny or verify this but all of the women avoid yunior like the plague, simply based on his race. but let's be honest, they reason they cheated most likely had to do with the fact that they are men.

we all know the whole men need to spread their seed.  but i have to add that women are not the better sex by default.  and the women of these stories do their fair share of cheating too.  i mean it does take two to tango when it comes to having an affair.  but in addition to that, they also use men for their money.  yunior's older brother gets screwed over by a woman who married him than took off with his money and his car after he died from cancer.  (now that is one fucked up bitch.)  yunior's best friend was swindled into believing he fathered a son in the dominican republic.  even yunior gets suckered into paying bills when he thinks he's a baby daddy.  it's horrible but kinda understandable considered they did it to provide for their children.

but back to the cheating.  i do not understand infidelity but at the same time i don't understand commitment. though i have to admit that i have tried to homewreck twice in my life though neither attempts were successful. plus one was in high school so it doesn't really count. i remember reading in this novel, "love monkey" that it was easier to get someone already in a relationship to fall in love with you because you only had to be better than that one person, their partner versus single people where you have to be better than all the infinite possibilities of partners in the world. which i found to be some good logic. but cheating is still wrong. and before you think i am throwing stones from a glass house, i never did anything with the people i was trying to homewreck, and wouldn't have until they broke up with their girlfriends.

the problem i have with cheating is the lying. i understand that love is finite, forever is a long time to love someone.  i mean even god has his off day with mankind. and yes it is hurtful to discover that someone has fallen out of "love" with you and in with someone else. but it's better to know about it versus having someone cheat and lie to you before it is exposed. it's bad enough knowing that you are unloveable why add extra lies on top of it. and yes, my reactions to cheating is all theoretical, i have never had to deal with a cheating partner. i have had to deal with a cheating stepparent, and was okay when i found out my stepdad was cheating on my mom. i wasn't hurt but then again never really loved him as a father in the first place. (this may sound harsh but when your first dad screws you over, you have low expectations for any other man that tries to follow suit). nor was i willing to forgive him, and found my mother stupid (this might sound harsh but really is the best adjective) for attempting to mend things. my view on the cheating is that once you cheat you are unworthy of my love, and i will no longer give it to you.  and for those who think, but s/he was my soulmate, that that is bs too because a soulmate would never cheat on you.  don't cheat people, have respect for your former lover and let them know what is going on. and if you are looking for a fling than your ass shouldn't have committed in the first place because you obviously are not ready for it.

so this is going to sound really harsh but after looking at junot diaz's photo on the inside cover, i can't imagine anyone wanting to cheat with him.  in my world, only hot people cheat, because how could one person, let alone two people want to sleep with an ugly?  btw, he's not ugly, just not my time.  i mean i guess i would sleep with him because i enjoy his writing.  i love his style of writing.  it's like elevated street talk, filled with pop cultural references, spanish slang, geek speak and clever imagery.  one of my favorite lines was "has a mouth like unswept glass when you least expect it she cuts you." it's a perfect description of those bitches that know how to cut your down just with their words.

with all of this great imagery, of course his stories are great (well sad because it's all about how he fucked up his love lives)  but as i read his stories, they felt way too autobiographical.  i mean i get that most of the time writers write about what they know best, themselves, but in this case, it's seems as if this works are really just his life and he changed names.  i felt the same way when i read "the brief wondrous life of oscar wao", oscar wao just him growing up.  it felt like i was reading a diary versus a novel.  however that could just be a testament to his writing, that it's so raw and real that you can't imagine it being made up.  so i guess kudos to him for making his stories so realistic.  (random digression:  but the premise of this book reminded me of a book, i wanted to write about my college years called "the asshole magnet" about how i attracted nothing about assholes in college.)

and in this new light, i highly recommend it, (i would have recommended it regardless, it's just that as i read i was like really dude this is just your life!).  it was a great start to my new year of reading, i just hope it does not foreshadow the kind of year my love life will have.