how to be a woman. caitlin moran. (251)

after reading moran's how to build a girl, i had to read how to be a woman.  and can i just say, i absolutely loved it and her.  if you are a woman, its a must read!

so this work is categorized as a memoir but i feel like it's more than that.  each chapter starts off with an event from moran's life but the lesson learned can be applied to all of us.

there is so much for me to write about, maybe i will go through chapter by chapter.  well maybe just favorite chapters.

"i become furry" in this chapter, moran discussed when her pubic hair began to grow and how she would shave it because she was scared of growing up and of course it.  this segues into a discussion on how we women work so hard to be hairless.  she shares how so much planning occurs when women go to a party via a conversation with a friend, which made me laugh cos it is so true.  her friend uncertain if she is going to sleep with this guy after a party, doesn't know if and when she should get waxed.  seriously it's such a bitch to have to deal with pubic hair.  you know my hurt hand?  it's from me trying to wax my upper life by myself before meeting up with a boy i thought i was in love with.  i mean i have given up on daily maintenance for my bush that only gets spruced up when i think someone is going to see it.  (if i was in a committed relationship, it would only get spruced up on special occasions, hence why i might still be single.) but i feel like i should have pubic hair, i'm an adult woman not a prepubescent child.  i refuse to be completely hairless down there, i mean i do clean it up when it needs to be but for the most part i let it be.  also nipple hair, i used to be so embarrassed by mine, but then now i just shave it when i need to.  i am a person, we have hair.  i mean the one on top of my head is quite lovely.  i think that should be the main focus.  and just like moran shared at the end, when she lost her virginity, the man did not care what the state of her pubic hair was.  its like my friend peter would always tells us in college, guys don't care if your underwear matches your bra, its just going to end up coming off anyway.

"i don't know what to call my breast".  this of course discussed finally getting breast and how they are referred to as.  this lead into a discussion on what to call your vagina.  i for one use vagina.  as a child growing up, our family didn't give it a nickname it was just our private part.  but what caused my decision to use vagina as the term to refer to my vagina was that one time at my work, a little girl told one of my tutor's that her vagina hurt. the tutor was so surprised by her use of vagina, but i mean the girl was right that was what she had.  we told her mom, it turns out she had been having some urinary issues and the mom also explained that she didn't want her daughter to use some silly term for her vagina so had her call it that.  i decided to do the same.

"i am a feminist".  so i have been on a bit of feminist kick since last year, after reading bad feminist, i have always seen myself as a feminist, but i feel like i am truly embracing it and this book reminded me why we need to reclaim this title.  as i shared on my instagram page:

love her for this!! but seriously this book isn't some feminist agenda, well it kinda is, but it's really just some good ol' girl talk about women issues.  though i will say i didn't always agree with what moran wrote, but then again, i don't have to, part of this new feminism is allowing acceptance of all ideas as long as progress is being made for women.  but if you are a woman and you want to be treated as an equal, then guess what, you are a feminist!

"i am in love", caitlin shared her horrible boyfriend that she thought she could change and from which she took abuse because she thought it was love.  we all have had this type of situation.  i blame romantic comedies for making us think we can change men that really aren't good for us.

"i go lap-dancing".  i felt guilty when i read it, because i have always been a bit of a "cool" girl, a guy's i mean strip clubs are gross, its a place men go to have women dance for them.  

"i get into fashion" fashion is expensive and i like moran don't spend a lot on handbags.  she did once and it was stolen.  though i am glad she wrote about how horrible heels are.  i really wish i could walk in them.  i recently discovered that my arch doesn't rest completely on the arc of the shoe so this might be why i can't wear heels. or maybe i am flat foot, i don't know.  i need to go see someone to verify this.

"abortion" what i admired about this piece was that moran was completely honest about having an abortion.  she didn't have one because she was too young, or unwed, or even sick, but because she knew she could not handle having another child.  that sounds horrible and insensitive but its honest.  she discussed how there is a notion of "good aids" ie someone getting it via blood transfusion and "bad aids" someone that gets its via drug needles.  the same kind be said for abortion.  moran got what some would consider a "bad abortion."  it appears selfish, but not all women are mothers, trust me i have worked with kids my whole life and some people are truly unfit to be mothers.  why bring a child into the world if you can not care for it like a mother should?  i know it sounds insensitive because life is life, a baby didn't choose to be born, but at the same time there is so much suffering in the world, why add to it.  at the end of the day, it's the pregnant woman's choice, she is the only one that can make the right decision for herself.  it might not be something that everyone agrees with, but then again are only truly responsible for ourselves.  

moran discussed a handful of other topics as well, pornography, childbirth (her first birth really grossed me out, i couldn't read it), bras, role models, and plastic surgery.  oh and growing up in the nineties, she writes alot about the riot grrl movement, which i need to revisit.  my roommate samira introduced me to bikini kill and bratmobile, so i have a taste but i need to get some more!

i just realized that this blog is about how my life relates to what she wrote about versus analysis of what she wrote.  but you need to read it and enjoy it yourself!  and all in all though it does explain how to be a woman, in the end, we learn that moran just wants to be a human, just one of the "guys" (which i think discredits her notions of feminism, because it still holds up equality on male terms.  but hey you can't win them all.  and regardless, this was funny book to read, so i forgive her!

bad feminist. roxane gay. (234)

i, first came across roxane gay's collection of essays, bad feminist, via flavorpill.  i didn't give it much thought but after she was all over my instagram feed (i follow a lot of bookish accounts), i decided i needed to check it out.  and i am glad i did!  this is a must read for every woman  . . . and man too.

i consider myself a feminist, i believe that women are not the weaker sex and should be treated the same as men.  women should not be restricted by the boundaries that society had deemed appropriate and acceptable for them.  i took a women studies course at ucla and did very well in it (i should have minored in women studies.) i have made it a point to read more women authors this year.  it's not a title, most people associated me with, but feminist is one that i would proud about if labeled it.  (and this is prior to bey making it cool to be a feminist.)

however, i do realize that like gay, i am a bad feminist.  and like gay, i embrace that title.  as gay shared,

i embrace the label of bad feminist because i am human.  i'm messy.  i'm not trying to be an example.  i am not trying to be perfect.  i am not trying to say i have all the answers.  i am not trying to say i'm right.  i am just trying--trying to support what i believe in, trying to do some good in the world, trying to make some noise with my writing while being myself:  a woman who loves pink and likes to get freaky and sometimes dances her ass off to music, she "knows" is terrible for women and who sometimes plays dumb with repairmen because it's easier to let them feel macho than it is to stand on the moral high ground.

this felt spot on.  i do believe in equality between sexes but love it when men open doors for me and if on a date, i do expect them to pay for dinner.  if i am carrying something heavy and with a male, i expected him to carry it for me.  it doesn't make me less of a feminist, just human.

the term bad feminist allows for these inconsistencies not only with us as humans but also feminism as a movement.   feminism, like all movements, covers a variety of concerns and issues, gay's point is that in order to be a feminist you don't need to be true to everything, but simply believe in the progression of women's rights.  she does point out that feminism is flawed with its lack of concern for women of color and homosexuals.  however, though it is flawed, gay is hopefully that her voice along with others will help create room for everyone within feminism.

before i go, i must add that as i read the intro, i felt bad about my judging of beyonce.  my dislike of beyonce came with an anthem that i should have loved, "run the world (girls)."  i felt like she was stealing other artists' thunder, the cool funky part of this song was actually major lazer and then she performed that billboard awards she totally copied another artist.  all this left a bad taste in my mouth.  then, the whole feminist thing seemed more like a marketing ploy than anything else.  i mean it was great that she sampled chimamanda nogzi adichie, because the world needed to hear that ted talk and read her novels.  i read americanah because of "flawless". however, i felt like adichie's words were being bastardized by the context beyonce put them in.  how does "my man made me feel so god damn fine, i'm flawless!" align with the discussion women not fighting for or finding worth in the attention from men.  and as my cousin kristel pointed out, doesn't "bow down bitches" go against adichie's words that women should not be in competition with one a other.  for these reasons, my dislike began to grow.  also the music video for "pretty hurts" was so self-righteous, yes i am sure beyonce struggled with her body and it not finding into the model mold, but lets get serious, she now has designers creating for her, so can she not preach about the world putting pressure on women to be pretty in her couture.  the fashion industry she shows off via her dazzling outfits is the beast that feeds these high standards of beauty.  however, gay made me realize that i was being a bad feminist for critiquing bey like this.  it is ignorant of me to expect her to be perfect, so bey, i am sorry.  also, i should be grateful that she has made it so that girls and women today are not afraid to be labelled a feminist.

just like i don't always agree with beyonce, it was the same with gay.  for the most part, i agreed with points she made however, i did reach some points where i lost interest in what she had to say.  but regardless of how i felt, i was engaged, i loved her writing style and her witty little quips made me feel like we could be friends.

the essays are divided into the following sections:  [me], [gender & sexuality], [race & entertainment], [politics, gender & race].

[me] as expected discussed gay, her work and her hobby, competitive scrabble.  yes, competitive scrabble, that essay was a hoot and gay is good!

the first essay in this section discussed her work as a professor and what she encountered as an advisor for a black students association.  she also explained how a co-workers remark about affirmative action drove her to work hard, ultimately gaining her ph.d but still worried she isn't good enough.  

the second essay, "peculiar beliefs" made the interesting point of everyone neglecting to recognize their privilege and only wanting to focus on their oppression.  though i am a person of color, a female and came from a single parent home and lived in a rural area, i was aware that i was privileged growing up.  this knowledge came via kids pointing out the material goods (aka nike shoes and guess jeans) that i had in elementary school.  we weren't rich but i was privileged for the area.  i also had a family that was very involved and cared about my education.  now i am not saying that i life the high life, but just demonstrating the fact that i never saw myself as disadvantaged.  as gay called out her readers at the end, "if you are reading this essay, you have some kind of privilege . . . if you cannot recognize your privilege, you have a lot of work to do; get started."

[gender & sexuality] cover just that.  the first essay, "how to be friends with a another woman" is a definite must read!  i wanted to copy it and share it with all of my friends, primarily to thank them for being just great friends!  just great sound advice.  i even instagramed my favorite:

the second essay "girls, girls, girls", as i was anticipating, discussed hbo's "girls" and i understand all of gay's critiques, but still think "girls" is the best,  gay's brings up the color issue which i have discussed before, but just add some food for thought because gay also discussed how women need a television show that shows women with their act together.  to which i say but that is not the point of "girls".  dunham created the show to demonstrate what life is like for twentysomethings now and i think she is spot on.  i am a thirtysomething but see my past messy self in the girls of "girls".  secondly, it's unfortunate because the lack of diversity on show is not due to dunham's racism but probably from the lack of diversity in her action life.  and i don't hate her for it, it's just a reality of life.  i have always had very diverse group of friends, but not everyone is like that.  people tend to stick to their own race, it's unfortunate but it happens.  also growing up, i never new any jewish people so a depiction of my life would exclude jewish people but it shouldn't make that work anti-semitic, it is simply a reflection of the reality that i knew.  gay recognized that it is unfair to expect "girls" to be everything to everyone and that we have put an unjust demand for it to be inclusive.  and that the real issue is that programming as a whole needs to change.  i have to add that gay mentioned "girlfriends" in his article, and how it showed women of color being responsible and having jobs.  i really need to start watching it, i hope netflix or hulu pick it up to show.

in "i was once miss america", gay plays tribute to the girls of "sweet valley high". i read part of that series but was not into like gay was into it.  and though reading the novel as a haitian girl, she was able to identify with the twins of sweet valley.  as she explained, "some experiences are universal.  a girl is a girl whether she lives in omaha or sweet valley."

in "garnish, glorious spectacles", i recognized how bad my television guilty pleasures, bravo's housewives and all of the celebreality vh1 shows, truly were, not due to it being bad television, but the horrible, female stereotypes it upheld.  gay loved these shows too, so i don't feel as bad.  but it is horrible how we watch these shows to feel better about herself and be thankful that we aren't such train wrecks.  and in the end, gay points out that perhaps we watch it because its actual a reflection of ourselves.  

in "the careless language of sexual violence", i was appalled to learn about how the new york times framed the gang-raping of an 11 year old girl as the victim's fault and sympathized with the rapist.  i'm not always up to date on current events, so this was not on my radar when it happened.  however, i did google and read the article and other posts about it.  i still can not believe that the nyt allowed for this story to be ran.  i will add that i am thankful to life in an each in which i can google a story and also see all of the critiques of it as well in a search.

another thing that i did not agree with gay, her love of the hunger games trilogy.  though her love for these works, kind of makes me want to actual finish all three books.  i read the hunger games on the advice of friends before the movies and all the hoopla around it.  i, for one, did not enjoy it.  there was a lot of living going on for something that was suppose to be a fight to the death.  i mean i get it, its a young adult novel, but i was still disappointed that it turned into some kind of weird love story.  so i saw the first movie, and actually enjoyed it more.  then just stopped caring about the hunger games.  however, now i feel like i should read it, because katniss is a good role model for girls, as gay pointed out.  so i feel like i should read them in the name of girls that rock!

i am so thankful that gay wrote "dear young ladies who love chris brown so much that they would let him beat them".  i, for one, do not understand how chris brown is still famous and how women still love him.  this article addresses my confusion.

"blurred lines, indeed" made me feel so bad.  i absolutely loved "blurred lines" when it came out.  it was my jam, i once had a dj play it for me twice in one night.  i loved the beat and it was catchy and the lyrics were funny.  however, i did not realize just how misogynistic it was, okay, maybe i did, but i still loved to dance to it.  i like the music but i i hate the message.  i know i can solve this problem by not listening to it, at the same time its just music.  though gay points out that this "lighten up" mentality does not alleviate these problems.  i guess i can just hope for a future in which misogynistic undertones in pop culture will go away because it has gone away in our culture.

gay discussed the 50 shades of gray trilogy, and all i can say, is how did women read that crap?  i mean i am glad that women were reading, but seriously there was nothing sexy about a controlling man.  controlling in the bedroom, if you are into bdsm life style yes.  but controlling as in buying the company you work for and wanting to know where you are all the time, is just frightening and women should not tolerate it just because the sex is good.  i have never read it, and now i never will.   i will add, this essay discussed how prince charming is just an illusion and that women need to understand that they can not change men and if a man is not treating you as he should be, you need to get out of that relationship.

on last note about this section, in it gay discussed in pieces, how she was a victim of sexual violence as a young girl.  at the risk of sounding insensitive or using the wrong words, just wanted to share that i appreciate her allowing the reader into such a private matter.  her writing on it felt therapeutic though i can't speak for her.  i will add that she did create an environment in which her readers that are victims of sexual violence can feel comfort in knowing that they are not alone. 

[race & entertainment], this collection of essays, is where i disagreed with gay the most.  primarily, because i see movies as entertainment and though it is insensitive of me, just felt like sometimes you have to take movies just as an escape then rather analyze everything.  and i know that movies influence how we frame the world and also reflect how we frame the world, but i felt she was being too critical in this section,

[politics, gender & race].  her article "when twitter does what journalism can't" gay demonstrated the power of twitter.  again i am bad with the current events, but so i learned about senator wendy davis' filibuster the next day.  however, gay learned of it via twitter thanks to one activist that live tweeted the filibuster.  gay also explained that the larger networks did not cover it, but there was a livefeed via youtube, where she was able to watch it.  it is shocking how much of our news gets shared via twitter and facebook.  i have mentioned before in post that i always get my celebrity death news via twitter.  oh and just wanted to add kudos to senator davis for being an amazing woman!!!

"the inalienable rights of women" is another must read for women.  it was one that got my blood boiling because of the little control, we women have over our bodies.  and i think what is even more frustrating that there is so much discussion about birth control, yet men can just walk down to the corner store and pick up condoms whenever they want.  where is the regulation of that?!?!?  it was so upsetting to read about some states requiring women to get ultrasounds before receiving an abortion.  virginia went so far as to require transvaginal ultrasounds.  i have discussed it before, i have never been in a position in which i needed to decide whether or not i wanted an abortion.  however, i can not imagine being in that position and not only having to struggle with my making the right decision for myself but then having the government add in their ignorant two cents.  at the end of the day, it is my body and i need to make the decision that is best for me.  women need to be allowed to chose for themselves without the government interfering.  furthermore, i do agree with gay that if the government does continue to limit women's right in regards to abortions, women will go underground to take care of the situation as they have throughout history.

these are just some highlights from the essays.  gay covered a variety of issues and gave me a lot of food for thought.  this was an excellent read not only for giving voice to issues that are often ignored but for simply encouraging the reader to question the world we live in.  this novel doesn't have all the answers or solve the problems we face as society, instead it adds dialogue to ongoing discussions of gender, race, sexuality, politics, in hopes that the world will improve.     

friendship. emily gould. (224)

emily gould's friendship was listed on flavorpill's must reads for july.  they wrote:

As the title suggests, it’s about friends, sure — but Gould’s debut novel strikes at something deeper by accurately portraying the life, times, and struggles of people that toe the lines between Generation X and Y, complete with David Foster Wallace and Stevie Nicks quotes for an epigraph. With Friendship, Gould has given us something honest, moving, and important.

their description was right on pointe.  it is about friends but it also felt very real and reminded me of my own life.

i actually cringed when i read the first couple of pages because i was unsure if i was ready to read about late twentysomething dealing with unemployment and lack of a career.  but i after reading about how bev's goals in life went from "serve god, marry a good christian and raise children in the ways of the lord" in high school to "read every book, as far away from the midwest as possible and never turn down an opportunity to get shitfaced" in college, i felt like we were kindred spirits.  i went from mormon to alcoholic in the course of 4 years of college. 

as flavorpill mentioned it did capture the struggle of my generation, and i do feel stuck between y and x.  i am old for "girls" but too young for "sex and the city" but oddly identify with both!  but yes, my generation thanks to the recession have all ended up in this weird unemployment funk.  i am happy to report that most of my friends survived it but i ended up like bev, stuck with temp work (i actually substitute teach but same diff.) but enough of that woe, though kudos for gould portraying it right.  oh and before i go on, totally get the whole spending fiasco of amy, i don't buy crazy designer things but i do go out and blow hundreds of dollars on fancy meals but life paycheck to paycheck.  this gen x/y lifestyle cost quite a lot!  it's cost money to be stayin the know!

but back to the novel, friendship is the tale of two friends, bev and amy.  they met via work and became besties. however, when we meet them they are both on the cusp of life disasters, though they don't know, we, the readers don't know it either but alas that is life.

*spoilers from here on out (if you are a female gen x/y-er stop here and check it out.)

when we meet them bev was unemployed and temping.  she pulled a felicity dropping out of grad school to follow her boyfriend to somewhere for him to attend law school.  amy worked for the jewish equivalent to buzzfeed.  she used to be some perez hilton-esque social media celeb but screwed over the wrong celeb and now was at the jewish buzzfeed.

okay i really just wrote that back story to provide some distance for the spoiler, i am about to drop . . . bev gets pregnant from a one-night stand.  and i want to discuss it in the context of the movie, obvious child.  (if you haven't seen it stop here and see it!!!)

i just saw the film because i love jenny slate but it actually turned out to be a wonderful film and must see for all women.  in the film, jenny slate's character, donna, becomes pregnant after a one-night stand.  she, however, chose to have an abortion.  i have never been in that situation but felt the film dealt with it very honestly.  we see donna go to planned parenthood on her own, having no idea what is involved and being unable to afford it.  we also see her tell her mother and she discovering that her mother understood what she was going through instead of being disappointed.  we also saw donna at the clinic.  and it wasn't classic hollywood where she ends up with the guy and he decided to become the father, which i was grateful for though it is implied that they may end up dating.  you just have to see it!  but i really admired it for its being an apolitical portrayal of abortion though i recognize that abortion within in itself is political.  also donna is a comedian which helps lighten up the movie.  it's really great and slate was amazing! go see it!

back to bev, she went to have an anortion but could not follow through with it.  instead she decided to keep the child and try to raise it on her own though with the help of a friend, sally.  there was a brief juno moment where amy wanted to find a rich family to adopt the child which is how sally entered the picture.  though the exchange ala juno never occurred.  i appreciated this storyline because becoming pregnant actually helped bev get her act together.  it was nice to see her grow from the situation (oh and don't worry i won't be taking a getting any ideas.)

while bev grew, amy took a stumble.  she lost her job, her apartment, her boyfriend and had an affair with a married man!  as a result, she and bev end up fighting.  the classic tale of bff projection.  the unhappy friend projects their fears and worries onto the other friend lecturing them on life which results in a fight.  this has happen to me, i have been on both sides.  

and in the end, this is what truly felt real to me.  our friendships are often interrupted by life and sometimes they survive and other times the fall apart.  i have two friends that i loved very dearly but our friendships got complicated by life. it's tough because i think of all the great memories i have with them and realize how much the person i am today is due to them, but sadly we are no longer close.  it's my fault, my pride, i am like amy.  i should be like a bev and reach out to my friends.  i should add i feel like too much time has passed and one friend in particular has moved on well beyond me.  

in the end, i was happy that bev reached out to amy and i hope and assume that all became well between the two of them. you can't have a book called friendship end on a sad note.

this was a great read, and i plan on reading more of gould's work.