bad feminist. roxane gay. (234)

i, first came across roxane gay's collection of essays, bad feminist, via flavorpill.  i didn't give it much thought but after she was all over my instagram feed (i follow a lot of bookish accounts), i decided i needed to check it out.  and i am glad i did!  this is a must read for every woman  . . . and man too.

i consider myself a feminist, i believe that women are not the weaker sex and should be treated the same as men.  women should not be restricted by the boundaries that society had deemed appropriate and acceptable for them.  i took a women studies course at ucla and did very well in it (i should have minored in women studies.) i have made it a point to read more women authors this year.  it's not a title, most people associated me with, but feminist is one that i would proud about if labeled it.  (and this is prior to bey making it cool to be a feminist.)

however, i do realize that like gay, i am a bad feminist.  and like gay, i embrace that title.  as gay shared,

i embrace the label of bad feminist because i am human.  i'm messy.  i'm not trying to be an example.  i am not trying to be perfect.  i am not trying to say i have all the answers.  i am not trying to say i'm right.  i am just trying--trying to support what i believe in, trying to do some good in the world, trying to make some noise with my writing while being myself:  a woman who loves pink and likes to get freaky and sometimes dances her ass off to music, she "knows" is terrible for women and who sometimes plays dumb with repairmen because it's easier to let them feel macho than it is to stand on the moral high ground.

this felt spot on.  i do believe in equality between sexes but love it when men open doors for me and if on a date, i do expect them to pay for dinner.  if i am carrying something heavy and with a male, i expected him to carry it for me.  it doesn't make me less of a feminist, just human.

the term bad feminist allows for these inconsistencies not only with us as humans but also feminism as a movement.   feminism, like all movements, covers a variety of concerns and issues, gay's point is that in order to be a feminist you don't need to be true to everything, but simply believe in the progression of women's rights.  she does point out that feminism is flawed with its lack of concern for women of color and homosexuals.  however, though it is flawed, gay is hopefully that her voice along with others will help create room for everyone within feminism.

before i go, i must add that as i read the intro, i felt bad about my judging of beyonce.  my dislike of beyonce came with an anthem that i should have loved, "run the world (girls)."  i felt like she was stealing other artists' thunder, the cool funky part of this song was actually major lazer and then she performed that billboard awards she totally copied another artist.  all this left a bad taste in my mouth.  then, the whole feminist thing seemed more like a marketing ploy than anything else.  i mean it was great that she sampled chimamanda nogzi adichie, because the world needed to hear that ted talk and read her novels.  i read americanah because of "flawless". however, i felt like adichie's words were being bastardized by the context beyonce put them in.  how does "my man made me feel so god damn fine, i'm flawless!" align with the discussion women not fighting for or finding worth in the attention from men.  and as my cousin kristel pointed out, doesn't "bow down bitches" go against adichie's words that women should not be in competition with one a other.  for these reasons, my dislike began to grow.  also the music video for "pretty hurts" was so self-righteous, yes i am sure beyonce struggled with her body and it not finding into the model mold, but lets get serious, she now has designers creating for her, so can she not preach about the world putting pressure on women to be pretty in her couture.  the fashion industry she shows off via her dazzling outfits is the beast that feeds these high standards of beauty.  however, gay made me realize that i was being a bad feminist for critiquing bey like this.  it is ignorant of me to expect her to be perfect, so bey, i am sorry.  also, i should be grateful that she has made it so that girls and women today are not afraid to be labelled a feminist.

just like i don't always agree with beyonce, it was the same with gay.  for the most part, i agreed with points she made however, i did reach some points where i lost interest in what she had to say.  but regardless of how i felt, i was engaged, i loved her writing style and her witty little quips made me feel like we could be friends.

the essays are divided into the following sections:  [me], [gender & sexuality], [race & entertainment], [politics, gender & race].

[me] as expected discussed gay, her work and her hobby, competitive scrabble.  yes, competitive scrabble, that essay was a hoot and gay is good!

the first essay in this section discussed her work as a professor and what she encountered as an advisor for a black students association.  she also explained how a co-workers remark about affirmative action drove her to work hard, ultimately gaining her ph.d but still worried she isn't good enough.  

the second essay, "peculiar beliefs" made the interesting point of everyone neglecting to recognize their privilege and only wanting to focus on their oppression.  though i am a person of color, a female and came from a single parent home and lived in a rural area, i was aware that i was privileged growing up.  this knowledge came via kids pointing out the material goods (aka nike shoes and guess jeans) that i had in elementary school.  we weren't rich but i was privileged for the area.  i also had a family that was very involved and cared about my education.  now i am not saying that i life the high life, but just demonstrating the fact that i never saw myself as disadvantaged.  as gay called out her readers at the end, "if you are reading this essay, you have some kind of privilege . . . if you cannot recognize your privilege, you have a lot of work to do; get started."

[gender & sexuality] cover just that.  the first essay, "how to be friends with a another woman" is a definite must read!  i wanted to copy it and share it with all of my friends, primarily to thank them for being just great friends!  just great sound advice.  i even instagramed my favorite:

the second essay "girls, girls, girls", as i was anticipating, discussed hbo's "girls" and i understand all of gay's critiques, but still think "girls" is the best,  gay's brings up the color issue which i have discussed before, but just add some food for thought because gay also discussed how women need a television show that shows women with their act together.  to which i say but that is not the point of "girls".  dunham created the show to demonstrate what life is like for twentysomethings now and i think she is spot on.  i am a thirtysomething but see my past messy self in the girls of "girls".  secondly, it's unfortunate because the lack of diversity on show is not due to dunham's racism but probably from the lack of diversity in her action life.  and i don't hate her for it, it's just a reality of life.  i have always had very diverse group of friends, but not everyone is like that.  people tend to stick to their own race, it's unfortunate but it happens.  also growing up, i never new any jewish people so a depiction of my life would exclude jewish people but it shouldn't make that work anti-semitic, it is simply a reflection of the reality that i knew.  gay recognized that it is unfair to expect "girls" to be everything to everyone and that we have put an unjust demand for it to be inclusive.  and that the real issue is that programming as a whole needs to change.  i have to add that gay mentioned "girlfriends" in his article, and how it showed women of color being responsible and having jobs.  i really need to start watching it, i hope netflix or hulu pick it up to show.

in "i was once miss america", gay plays tribute to the girls of "sweet valley high". i read part of that series but was not into like gay was into it.  and though reading the novel as a haitian girl, she was able to identify with the twins of sweet valley.  as she explained, "some experiences are universal.  a girl is a girl whether she lives in omaha or sweet valley."

in "garnish, glorious spectacles", i recognized how bad my television guilty pleasures, bravo's housewives and all of the celebreality vh1 shows, truly were, not due to it being bad television, but the horrible, female stereotypes it upheld.  gay loved these shows too, so i don't feel as bad.  but it is horrible how we watch these shows to feel better about herself and be thankful that we aren't such train wrecks.  and in the end, gay points out that perhaps we watch it because its actual a reflection of ourselves.  

in "the careless language of sexual violence", i was appalled to learn about how the new york times framed the gang-raping of an 11 year old girl as the victim's fault and sympathized with the rapist.  i'm not always up to date on current events, so this was not on my radar when it happened.  however, i did google and read the article and other posts about it.  i still can not believe that the nyt allowed for this story to be ran.  i will add that i am thankful to life in an each in which i can google a story and also see all of the critiques of it as well in a search.

another thing that i did not agree with gay, her love of the hunger games trilogy.  though her love for these works, kind of makes me want to actual finish all three books.  i read the hunger games on the advice of friends before the movies and all the hoopla around it.  i, for one, did not enjoy it.  there was a lot of living going on for something that was suppose to be a fight to the death.  i mean i get it, its a young adult novel, but i was still disappointed that it turned into some kind of weird love story.  so i saw the first movie, and actually enjoyed it more.  then just stopped caring about the hunger games.  however, now i feel like i should read it, because katniss is a good role model for girls, as gay pointed out.  so i feel like i should read them in the name of girls that rock!

i am so thankful that gay wrote "dear young ladies who love chris brown so much that they would let him beat them".  i, for one, do not understand how chris brown is still famous and how women still love him.  this article addresses my confusion.

"blurred lines, indeed" made me feel so bad.  i absolutely loved "blurred lines" when it came out.  it was my jam, i once had a dj play it for me twice in one night.  i loved the beat and it was catchy and the lyrics were funny.  however, i did not realize just how misogynistic it was, okay, maybe i did, but i still loved to dance to it.  i like the music but i i hate the message.  i know i can solve this problem by not listening to it, at the same time its just music.  though gay points out that this "lighten up" mentality does not alleviate these problems.  i guess i can just hope for a future in which misogynistic undertones in pop culture will go away because it has gone away in our culture.

gay discussed the 50 shades of gray trilogy, and all i can say, is how did women read that crap?  i mean i am glad that women were reading, but seriously there was nothing sexy about a controlling man.  controlling in the bedroom, if you are into bdsm life style yes.  but controlling as in buying the company you work for and wanting to know where you are all the time, is just frightening and women should not tolerate it just because the sex is good.  i have never read it, and now i never will.   i will add, this essay discussed how prince charming is just an illusion and that women need to understand that they can not change men and if a man is not treating you as he should be, you need to get out of that relationship.

on last note about this section, in it gay discussed in pieces, how she was a victim of sexual violence as a young girl.  at the risk of sounding insensitive or using the wrong words, just wanted to share that i appreciate her allowing the reader into such a private matter.  her writing on it felt therapeutic though i can't speak for her.  i will add that she did create an environment in which her readers that are victims of sexual violence can feel comfort in knowing that they are not alone. 

[race & entertainment], this collection of essays, is where i disagreed with gay the most.  primarily, because i see movies as entertainment and though it is insensitive of me, just felt like sometimes you have to take movies just as an escape then rather analyze everything.  and i know that movies influence how we frame the world and also reflect how we frame the world, but i felt she was being too critical in this section,

[politics, gender & race].  her article "when twitter does what journalism can't" gay demonstrated the power of twitter.  again i am bad with the current events, but so i learned about senator wendy davis' filibuster the next day.  however, gay learned of it via twitter thanks to one activist that live tweeted the filibuster.  gay also explained that the larger networks did not cover it, but there was a livefeed via youtube, where she was able to watch it.  it is shocking how much of our news gets shared via twitter and facebook.  i have mentioned before in post that i always get my celebrity death news via twitter.  oh and just wanted to add kudos to senator davis for being an amazing woman!!!

"the inalienable rights of women" is another must read for women.  it was one that got my blood boiling because of the little control, we women have over our bodies.  and i think what is even more frustrating that there is so much discussion about birth control, yet men can just walk down to the corner store and pick up condoms whenever they want.  where is the regulation of that?!?!?  it was so upsetting to read about some states requiring women to get ultrasounds before receiving an abortion.  virginia went so far as to require transvaginal ultrasounds.  i have discussed it before, i have never been in a position in which i needed to decide whether or not i wanted an abortion.  however, i can not imagine being in that position and not only having to struggle with my making the right decision for myself but then having the government add in their ignorant two cents.  at the end of the day, it is my body and i need to make the decision that is best for me.  women need to be allowed to chose for themselves without the government interfering.  furthermore, i do agree with gay that if the government does continue to limit women's right in regards to abortions, women will go underground to take care of the situation as they have throughout history.

these are just some highlights from the essays.  gay covered a variety of issues and gave me a lot of food for thought.  this was an excellent read not only for giving voice to issues that are often ignored but for simply encouraging the reader to question the world we live in.  this novel doesn't have all the answers or solve the problems we face as society, instead it adds dialogue to ongoing discussions of gender, race, sexuality, politics, in hopes that the world will improve.     

the group. mary mccarthy. (213)

mary mccarthy's the group was listed as one of the books to fill the girls-shaped void in your life.  the cover (different from the one i read) had a blurb from sex and the city author candace bushnell, which i found a little silly since the group was written back in the 1950s.  however, i learned via wikipedia that an editior had suggested that bushnell write an updated version of the group which became sex and the city.

sex and the city is very reminiscent of the group.  unfortunately, with all the progress that women have made, we are still fighting the same battles as the generations before us.  one likes to think that our mothers can not understand what we face today but in fact they faced the exact same issues (this was demonstrated in the novel with dottie and her mother.)

the group is set in the 30's and follows the lives of a group of women, kay, dottie, helena, norine, libby, priss, polly, pokey and lakey, who became friends while at vassar college.  the novel spans 10 years of their lives, opening with their attendance of kay's wedding and sadly ending with her funeral.  throughout the ten years, they encounter all sorts of issues related to love, family, career, and sex, and as mentioned before the issues are not outdated and are still relevant today.

before i go on, i want to clarify that the group is #richwhitepeopleproblems, which is it is clearly aware of.  the characters are aware that they have money which results in very different experiences from most people. there is an attempt to have a poor character, polly, her being on scholarship was always mentioned, but her family used to be wealthy, so she doesn't really count.  she did donate blood for money but the fact that she was able to get a line of credit, demonstrated that she wasn't that badly off.  this critique can also be made of sex and the city and it was made about girls.  however, as i have defended girls in the past, some female issues transcend class and i, as a women, have always been able to identify though i am a women of color and poor.

the first issue that made me laugh due to it's relevance to today was dick's talk with dottie about sex and love.  dottie, a virgin, was warned by dick brown, the man who she lost her virginity to not fall in love with him, because women always do.  it made me laugh to read it because times have not changed because this myth is still around today.  i was virgin when i entered college and it seemed like every guy i ever hooked up and that i considered losing my virginity to, always seemed hesitant because they didn't want me to fall in love with them.  looking back there are two of them i am glad i didn't lose my virginity to either one of them. one of those two i did eventually sleep with and for the record there was nothing he did that would result in my loving him forever.  lol.  and for the record, i did not fall in love with the man that i lose my virginity to.  he is a swell guy (all of a sudden i'm from the 30's too) and interesting, and am glad i lost my virginity to him but i did not fall madly in love with him because of this act.  so there goes that.  we, women need to put an end to this myth!  i mean in the end, dottie did reveal that she loved dick, but she wasn't in love with dick brown but the idea of dick brown and that is something i am guilty of doing.  i spent the greater part of my twenties in love with someone but realizing now that i wasn't in love with the true him but this ideal him i had created in my head.  women turning men into myth is not a myth but we, women, always falling in love with our virginity takers is a bunch of bs.

the other thing that i found interesting from dottie and dick's relationship was how birth control was capable of implying so much about a relationship.  it was shocking to see how kay's husband, harald, explained how dick's requesting and keeping her diaphragm at his home could define their relationship status.  it is ridiculous that dottie was fitted and everything yet she couldn't store her diaphragm in her own home for fear of it being found by a roommate.  it was also crazy to consider how when people were infidel, their lover usually stored the diaphgram at his home.  imagine having a man in control of something so personal.  thank god today women can hold onto their own birth control, i can't imagine living in an era in which a man would be responsible for something that i use to regulate my body, oh wait, i take that back, because birth control is still an issue for women today.  (see:  hobby lobby)  but it is nice that we can keep our birth control in our homes, bathrooms and purses.  and it is progress that we women can hold condoms in our purse, no need relying on the man to ensure safe sex, we can do it ourselves!

another issue that the group covered was breastfeeding. when priss was in the hospital with her son, she had to deal with the her husband who wanted her to breastfeed and the hospital that wanted to give the baby formula.  priss' husband, a pediatrician, explained the reasons for the baby being breastfeed and he was right, the baby was putting weight on at a good rate.  also it would be good for his immune system.  however, the hospital wanted to put the baby on formula because he wasn't sleeping through the night and waking up hungry and thus disrupting the maternity ward.  poor, yet weak, priss feeling pressure from the doctor and nurses ended up giving her son formula.  i found myself frustrated for priss not having a backbone, but i mean hospitals are intimidating.  i'm always lost with hospital jargon and usually just go with what the doctor says because it's less confusing that way.  so i can sympathize with priss there.  however,  i for one plan on breastfeeding my child, i don't know if its the generation i am apart of it but i can't imagine giving my child, formula.  i don't have children so i'm not sure what the world's stance is on breastfeeding, i mean it should be widely accepted right?  though formula companies are still in business.  the current issue we have is people being upset about women breastfeeding in public.  this is the current hot item when it comes to breastfeeding, but i think most people agree it should be done, just in private.  i also want to add that i will allow my child to cry because as my grandma always told us, it's good for their lungs.  grandma bea would have agreed with priss' husband on that one!

last but not least it was great to see a lesbian in the story and of all people, lakey!  the most glamorous of them all.  and kudos to her for finding herself a lover and staying abroad so that she could live the life that she wanted without judgement.  i was not expecting her to be a lesbian but it was a nice surprise.  it was also nice to see the group not being too judgmental and treating lakey and her partner like any other couple.

aside the women issues that were covered, it was a interesting read just in terms of drama.  we, women, like to fill our life with drama, that is not a myth!  though it isn't gender exclusive, my friend peter, is a shining example of a male that loves drama.  lol  (i doubt he reads my blog but if he does, sorry.)  but there was drama in this book.  i for one, could not stand nordine!  i can not believe that she slept with kay's husband?!?!? and her justification for it was ridiculous!  i also couldn't believe the psychiatrist's explanation that her husband's impotency was because he could only get it up for "fallen women".  and as much as i was upset with nordine for sleeping with harald, i can't believe that helen didn't say anything.  what a bad friend!  if someone was cheating on me, i would want my friend to tell me!

also before i go on, i have to address the psychoanalysis mentioned in the novel.  i am all for people seeing a psychologist because mental health is important. however, it was a different beast back then.  it was disgusting to see how nordine used it to justify her affair.  and polly's lover's estranged wife used it to manipulate him back into a relationship.  also it was shocking to read how the girls stopped polly from marrying a boy because his family had a history of mental illness since her father was bipolar and they were worried due to that.  i mean its nice that they were so considerate but it seems odd for that to be an issue.  sex and the city did touch on this when carrie dated her high school sweetheart (played by david duchvony) while he was in a psych ward, but i feel back then you were considered ill for the lost ridiculous reasons (see:  girl, interrupted.)  though i will add i know someone that was dating someone who had an episode with mental illness and i advised against them dating unless he got help.  so yeah i guess i don't know, maybe the girls were right.

back to the novel, the group is timeless and a must read for women of all ages, though probably best to be read in your twenties.  however, it is filled with experience and lessons that are relevant at any age.

and as for filling my girls' void i couldn't imagine hannah in this world because she is too neruotic, maybe she would be nordine. lol  but marnie and shosh would definitely be comfortable in this world.  oh and jessa would definitely be lakey.  

time (is never time at all . . .)

in the beginning, this blog was devoted to a book or DVD that i checked out from the library. but being the bibliophile that i am, i extended it to any book i have read. and just this past month had an entry about a movie based on one of my favorite books. and today i will start a new type of entry. a thematic entry. and this first theme is women as time.

today as i was reading ray bradbury's "something wicked this way come", i came across this passage on time and women:

oh, what strange wonderful clocks women are. they nest in Time. they make the flesh that holds fast and binds eternity. they live inside the gift, know power, accept, and need not mention it. why speak of Time when you are Time, and shape the universal moments, as they pass, into warmth and action? how men envy and often hate those warm clocks, these wives who know they will live forever. so what do we do? we men turn terribly mean, because we can't hold to the world or ourselves or anything. we are blind to continuity, all breaks down, falls, melts, stops, rots or run away.

this struck me as interesting because women as time was also a theme in smith's "nw". smith wrote the following about her character natalie hanging out with her gay brother and his friends:

(natalie is envious of their fluid and "free love" living arrangement)
it was not possible to feel happy for him it was because the arrangement was timeless--it did not come bound by the constructions of time--and this in turn was the consequence of a crucial detail: no women were included within the schema. women come bearing time. natalie had brought time into this house. she couldn't stop mentioning the time and worrying about it.

women as time is a serious truth for me right now. i am slowly ticking my way to thirty and i have no idea where the time has gone. and the scarier thing is that even though i am only thirty i do feel like time is running out. why the stress? the dreaded biological clock that ticks inside of every women. as a teen i remember watching the friends episode when rachel turned 30 and this happened:

back then i didn't realize that this would one day me my fate. occasionally i will have the same freak out as rachel because right now i should be dating someone that i can potentially marry so i can have kids at a "reasonable" age and right now i am dating no one. and it seems like everyone around me is getting married (gay friends exempted) and my "future" and biological clock are going nowhere. (please note this freak out started to appear in the back of my mind at age 25. it started getting more serious around 27. but now at 29, i might just be in denial about it cos i should be going insane over it but am surprisingly calm, hence denial.) the only thing that is in my favor is that my mother had my brother at 43, so biologically there still may be hope for me.

and i think back to my life and wonder what have i done for the past 30 years and why have 10 of them been in singleness? and the only thing i can think of is that i should not have drank as much and i should have never wasted my youth on men who didn't deserve it. seriously there is one guy who is married (still shocking) that i wasted my hot years on. i mean i was hot, boys would hit on me but i would ignore them because for some odd reason i wanted this one guy. to this day all of my friends, still don't understand why or how i was interested in this kid. seriously my hot years, i have pics. and i have no idea why he passed me up because his future potential wealth were not equivalent to my personality or than hotness. but i digress.

and let me clarify, i do not regret the life i have lived so far. i have had fun and can say i have lead an interesting life. there is rarely a dull moment with me. but i don't know why i can't plan for a future. maybe it's because of my nihilist tendencies. i don't believe in an afterlife and without the goal of eternal life, it's hard to plan for a future. might as well enjoy things now because i'll be worm food once i'm in the ground. but then again, i do want good things for me twenty years from now but i am really too busy living now to worry about tomorrow. and i am not sure how to switch perspectives. isn't it suppose to come with age?

at the risk of sounding like a sappy female but maybe it will be when i find the "one" and start thinking in terms of "we" and ultimately the future tense. right now i can only think in the present tense "krisha is . . ." versus "krisha will . . .". and maybe having an "other" will make me less selfish?

i don't know. all i know is that i do feel like there is a timeline of my life and i have to stop denying it. i have to stop trying to slow it down or stop it and start ticking with it.

[sidenote: just like both "something wicked this way come" and "nw" discuss women as time. they also share instances where males express the pointlessness in having children:

smith's character nathan shares: "kids if they get born, they're gonna die. so [a death sentence is] what you're giving them at the end of the day."

and bradbury's jim had the following exchange with his mom:

"never gonna have [childern]," said jim.
"you just say that."
"i know it. i know everything."
she waited a moment. "what do you know?"
"no use making more people. people die."

morbid but true. what is the point of procreating if in the end we all die. its sad to think this way but if i took on this philosophy on childbearing, it would make a less neurotic thirty-year-old.)